The wrong Death God
by peter c
Summary: Instead of calling the Shinigami, Hiruzen pulled somthing far more chaotic and powerful. Rated M for language at the moment.
1. Chapter 1

**Summoning the wrong death God.**

 **Disclaimer- If i owned either of these series there would be a lot more death.**

chapter 1- Why is it always weird snake people.

Sarutobi stiffened as he saw the feathers falling from the sky and the Genjutsu try to take hold. "what's the meaning of this Rasa," the third Hokage growled out as he swiftly stood and turned to face the fourth Kazekage, dispelling the illusion with a burst of chakra. Meanwhile the civilians in the stands were falling into an easy sleep while enemy ninja leapt into the arena, clashing with leaf shinobi.

"We have had enough old man, we won't be second to you any longer. My country is falling into poverty while you take all of the contracts, under-cutting us at every opportunity. Look at what i've had to do to my own son just to keep up with you." Rasa waved his arm towards the centre of the arena where Gaara stood clutching at his head as the sand whipped chaotically around him, crushing shinobi indiscriminately.

"Ku ku ku." The fourth kazekage's bodyguard removed his disguise revealing Orochimaru, the snake Sannin. "Enough of this pointless posturing, it is time to die sensei," the Sannin hissed out. The third hokage proceeded to jump onto the roof behind him to make space for the coming fight and move away from the civilians and other shinobi that could easily become collateral damage in the coming fight. The Kazekage and Orochimaru followed him, the Kazekage readying a cloud of gold dust and Orochimaru removing the kusinagi from his throat. Meanwhile Sarutobi summoned king Enma in his adamantine staff form.

"It is time i fixed my mistakes, I will finally finish what i should have all those years ago." while Enma grunted his approval sarutobi got into his ready stance and leapt at the Sannin, swinging his staff and aiming to crush his former students skull, the Sannin quickly dodged to the side and tried to strike at the hokages left side with the kusanagi whilst the Kazekage sent spears of gold at his right, using the shunshin to rapidly retreat and firing a katon: Gokakyu, causing a large blast of fire to speed towards his enemies, unfortunately the kazekage pulled up a wall of gold to defend the two invaders. As he dropped the technique Orochimaru rushed forwards towards the Hokage to engage him in kenjutsu, hoping to cut off his ability to use his advanced jutsu repertoire while the Kazekage bombarded him with waves of gold, hoping to crush his opponent. Hiruzen leapt back and shot a stream of mud from his mouth forming a large Doton: Doryuheki. The Hokage slammed his hand into the back of the large mud wall and shouted "Doton: Doryuso" causing large spikes of earth to protude from the wall and making Orochimaru leap onto the wall to evade the attack.

"You're getting weak, old man. Just ten years ago and you would have destroyed the both of us by now."Sneered Orochimaru.

"These old bones still have a few tricks, my most disappointing student." With a burst of chakra he fired the earth spikes at the Kazekage and leapt at the Sannin, swinging his staff at Orochimaru's ribs, it connected with a crack, sending the sannin hurtling towards the ground. "I will stop the both of you from destroying my village no matter the cost." But coughed suddenly a a spear of gold dust peirced his left shoulder from behind. The elder kage looked into the eyes of the Kazekage as they lit with dark satisfaction, but Sarutobi just smirked and summoned two Kagebunshin which sped towards the two invaders and grabbed them so that there was no escape whilst speeding through hand seals.

"NO!" Screamed Orochimaru, recognizing the sequence as he struggled to escape from his sensei's iron grip.

"Yes, its over now. Goodbye Orochimaru. I will die a hero to this village and i'll take you bastards with me." but as he clapped his hands for the final seal the gold spear through his shoulder shot through the rest of the way and crushed his hands. sarutobi let out a scream of pain and anguish.

"Ku ku ku ku ku, you have failed sensei. I will destroy you and your precious village." Both invaders laughed as they prepared to perform the final strike but froze as reality tore between the three combatants, and out stepped... A boy, who looked around seventeen or so, with messy black hair and startling green eyes.

"Hello." The strange boy called out cheerfully as he stepped out of the tear and it closed behind him.

The Kazekage started to chuckle as he looked towards the shocked looking Hokage."This was your plan, summon a boy to fight us. You really are growing senile, old man."

"DON'T. You. Dare. Call me. BOY." All good humor was gone from the boys face, and the temperature seemed to drop 30 degrees."I have survived countless aeons. I have outlived the universe countless times. I am the master of DEATH itself. I am Harry. FUCKING. Potter. Now, who called me here?"

That calm question seemed to rattle sarutobi to his senses. "I did, I was trying to summon the shinigami to devour their souls."

Harry potter seemed to frown for a moment. "That's kind'a harsh... wait a minute pasty." Harry's eyes seemed to snap to orochimaru's searching for something within them. "Haven't i killed you before, I definitely remember killing a weird snake guy with delusions of adequacy and a fetish for immortality and young boys." The three combatants seemed to choke for a moment before Sarutobi laughed and Rasa threw the Sannin a strange look.

"We have never met and you have definitely never killed me." The Sannin spat out angrily.

"Oh, well then, let me fix that." Replied Harry with a smirk, and with a click of his fingers Orochimaru of the Sannin, the greatest traitor to the leaf and all around psycho fell to the floor dead. Both of the Kage stared at the boy, no this was no boy before them, for a moment wordlessly until the Kazekage sent a tidal wave of gold dust at him, trying to kill him quickly. Harry just looked at him and clicked his fingers again turning all of the gold rushing towards him into confetti. "Confetti means you win a prize my shiny friend, and the grand prize is... I'm going to boil your blood. All of it. whilst it's still in your body."

The Kazekage's face went red as he stumbled forwards, then his eyes went red as red steam came out of his ears, nose and mouth and even a small amount started to pour through his tear ducts. Harry suddenly sneezed and the Kazekage exploded in a shower of gore. "Oops, why does that keep happening?"Harry asked himself in confusion before realising he had an audience and slowly walking towards the downed Hokage.

"I know you are going to devour my soul but i have lived my life and i can die happily now, protecting the village i love, like the other three Hokage did before me. When the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The fire's shadow will illuminate the village, and once again, tree leaves shall bud anew." Hiruzen looked harry in the eyes as he walked towards him with an unflinching gaze.

"Greeting Death as an old friend, they departed this life as equals." said harry with a wistful smile on his face. "This is all very dramatic and heart warming but i don't devour souls, it's too much like eating death and i am no death eater." Harry said with a chuckle which turned into a cough as he realized sarutobi was just looking at him blankly."ah, guess you had to be there. well anyway i could take you to the afterlife, or i could heal you and we can go kill those fuckers invading your village. Sound like a plan?"

"What?... you're not a very good shinigami are you?" spluttered out hiruzen in confusion.  
"Didnt you listen to my badass intro? I'm not the shinigami I'm his master, do you want to go fuck up the people invading your village or not?" And with a wave of his hand hiruzen felt his wounds heal and infact he felt better than he had in years. "I threw in a bonus of making you 10 years younger for getting me away from the shinigami for a while, he's been bitching at me for about 12 fucking years, somthing about indigestion from some fucking fox." harry finished with a mutter and a shake of his head. "Whats up with the Mount Rushmore wannabe over there."

Following his gaze to the Hokage monument Hiruzen explained while standing and walking towards him. "Those are the Kage's of this village past and present the greatest heroes and warriors of this village. I am the the third and current Hokage."

"That's cool, but what are their names? I'm going to make team rock face."harry replied with a quirked head and a goofy grin.

"The first was Hashirama Senju, the second was Tobirama Senju and the fourth was Minato Namikaze. I need to get to the battle now, i must help my people."

A ring suddenly appeared in Harry's hand as Hiruzen was about to walk away, harry turned it in his hand three times and called out "Team rock face, GO!" The third Hokage stopped and stared, absolutely speechless as three spectral figures slowly solidified in front of him. "Come on girls there will be time to swap beauty tips later. your village is under attack and the first person to kill a thousand of the fuckers gets all you can eat treacle tart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summoning the wrong death God.**

 **AN- All views expressed in this chapter are the views of the author and not of this website, and may not even be the views of the author**

 **chapter 2- Team rock face.**

Harry suddenly stood ramrod straight and turned to look at the three men behind him, after a moment he turned back to Hiruzen sarutobi with wide, scared eyes. "I see dead people." He squeaked out in a terrified voice. "just fucking with you" suddenly extremely serious, "I'ma kill me some sand people." And with that he leapt from the roof into the battle field below, running towards the rampaging Suna Jinchurichi, leaving a trail of blood curdling screams and transfigured haddock in his wake.

Hiruzen was struggling to process everything he had just seen. "This... This isn't how life works, things like this don't just happen... I've finally cracked."

The forth walked over to him with a smile on his face as the first two Hokages ran into the crowds to defend the village. "Hey old man, it's really us, don't worry." Minato chuckled out giving hiruzen a pat on the back. "I'm surprised you're still hokage, would have thought my son would have taken the hat by now."

The third Hokage let out a fond chuckle and with a sigh said, "he's been trying but he's only twelve and not quite strong enough yet."

"Huh, because i'm pretty sure I just saw him punch a jinchurichi through his fully released bijuu. Over there ,the suna jinchurichi is that big splat mark on the ground." the fourth was sounding extremely pleased for someone who's son had just turned another child into a jashinist's art project.

They suddenly heard harry potter's shout of "Oy you little yellow haired midget that was my kill. Now I want to punch someone through something." he then proceeded to punch a small sand genin through an extremely large sound jounin. "Woohoo ten points."

As the third and fourth leapt into battle, harry spotted several extremely large snakes attacking the outskirts of the village. "Oh my god, I want one." quickly apparating onto the nearest ones head he began to hiss at it, _"Hello ickle snakey wakey, I am your master now, for together we shall rule this world and all of the pathetic humans shall shower us with mice the size of houses and warm rocks the size of larger houses."_  
"I can undersstand human sspeech jusst fine you know. And everything you jusst ssaid iss extremely racisst." The snake said whilst glaring at the human on her head.

"Oh who cares, _imperio_ , destroy the sand and sound shinobi coming through the hole in the walls you just created, then kill your self in the most amusing way possible." Apperating to another breach in the wall, leaving the snake to carry out his commands, Harry saw another snake bearing down on a group of leaf nins and with a wave of his hand the snake had been cut in half across it's body, as it poofed away in a cloud of smoke Harry was able to fire an over-powered exploding curse into the mass of sound nins behind it, turning them into a fine red spray that covered the area. Harry stood there in front of his shell-shocked comrades and took a dramatic pose, breathing in deeply through his nose and said, "I love the smell of disintegrated bodies in the morning." and apperated away with a soft crack leaving some of the newer nin in the group who weren't used to such carnage to loose their lunch on the floor.

Meanwhile Yamato was fighting alongside what remained of his anbu squad against over whelming odds, his squad was down to three people and they were fighting ten times that many, he was just about to call a retreat to regroup and rest after his last wood clone was destroyed when a dark figure jumped from the roof behind to land next to him facing the enemy. The enemy froze, eyes wide with shock. "You know" the figure spoke, "I'm a pretty peaceful guy, but when you come into the home I built and try to destroy not only my work but the work of countless other shinobi and civilians, I get angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Slamming his hands to the ground, a large tree appeared in the middle of the large group of enemy shinobi, as it grew its sharp branches impaled them all. the figure looked towards Yamato with a cheeky grin, "whats the matter kid, cant keep your wood up." while waggling his eyebrows at the destroyed wood clone and then his pointy tree of death. He quickly disappeared with a shunshin and a muttered, "the treacle tart will be mine."

"what the fuck is treacle tart." asked one of the anbu.

..."Thats your question, you just watched, the apparently not dead now, first hokage turn thirty people into shisch kebabs, and you want to know what a treacle tart is?"

"What the fuck is a shisch kebab?"

Yamato was too tired for this shit, so he popped a soldier pill and walked away looking for new enemy's to take his frustrations out on. After watching the resulting slaughter none of his anbu team would ever ask a dumbass question again.

With the second hokage, Tobirama flashed(TM) into the center of the arena and began shooting a rapid fire series of suiton: taihodan at any enemy shinobi within reach, he then used the puddles from his previous water jutsu to form large watery tentacles which proceeded to choke the remaining enemy shinobi. "Alright, lets move out this area is clear." but suddenly saw a yellow flash to the right of him. he saw one of the other resurrected Hokages from earlier stood next to a one eyed scarecrow looking man and his eyes narrowed. That man was an arse hole.

With the fourth Hokage, looking over across the battle field he spotted his first target and flashed (because trademark and copy-write infringement are for pussies who cant kill a guy in a hundred different ways) next to him. "Hey kakashi hows Obito?"

Kakashi looked up with a shocked expression on his face, "Sensei?.. He's dead."

"Ooh, thats just crushing." Kakashi flinched at that. "Well how's Rin."

"Shes... Shes dead too sensei, you know this."

"Ah, that one gets me right here." minato gasped whilst clutching his heart.

"Well how about your father, I'm sure he's fine, the only person strong enough to kill him was himself..." Minato was struggling to fight off a smile at this point. "Oh not him too, that's a real shot to the guts."

Suddenly kakashi fired up his chidori and minato flashed away. "That guys an ass hole." shouted the second Hokage.

"A colossal asshole." shouted back kakashi.

 **Flash back- the night of the kyuubi attack.**  
Minato and Kushina both had one of kyuubi's claws sticking through their back, Minato wrapped his arm's around Kushina, holding her tightly."At least you died doing what you loved my beautiful kushina." Kushinas face lit up in one final smile. "Being penetrated from behind *cough* *cough* giggity" kushina suddenly gave off a spike of killing intent so powerful that it terrified even the Kyuubi.

"You are such an ass hole!" rang out in an angry screech as kushinas final word's.


End file.
